[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
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I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.