There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
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Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Simple
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.