In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
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What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*