“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
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Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.