Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
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ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
welcome back
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?