Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
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When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Truth
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.