My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
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Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?