Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
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WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.