Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
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do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.