seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
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In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Never be a pizza!
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket