Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
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Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
No. He’s not coming out to play
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.