*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
You Might Also Like
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.