heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
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Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?