In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
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Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.