[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
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I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.