Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
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Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
lmfao
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
the simulation is moving too fast
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*