I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
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Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?