The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
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Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
courtroom exchange of the day
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?