Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
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We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things