I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
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[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
goldfish mafia
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.