unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
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*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
it was love at first sight
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash: