*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
馃幎Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
馃幎
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
The answer is funnier than the question
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Me: I really like your glasses. They鈥檙e so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn鈥檛 be allowed to speak 馃槀
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle鈥檚 intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I鈥檓 that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we鈥檙e all in trouble.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I鈥檓 going to tell him that Santa isn鈥檛 real.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF