Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
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me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me