[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
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Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?