Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
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How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one