I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
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how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Who knew!
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.