I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
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Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.