idk what this dog had been going through but same
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face