You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
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Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
A dad and his duck
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.