Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
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🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.