cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
You Might Also Like
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.