Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
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“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process: