Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
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Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.