My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
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[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Where’s my employee discount too?
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
WHO DID THIS?
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin