Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
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girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year