me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
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[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
When you don’t understand how floors work
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy