Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
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You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
*3.5 thank you very much.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.