My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs