COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
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Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I just stopped by to water my horse.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.