The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
You Might Also Like
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands