[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
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I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
🤣
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.