“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
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The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!