Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
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day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”