Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
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Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know