Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
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The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
…żyje?
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
get you a girl who
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*