Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
You Might Also Like
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”