A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
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Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.