[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
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It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Print is alive and well!!!
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.