Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
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A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.