I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
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🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Good advice.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”